My Peculiar Habit

In full disclosure, I must confess to having never had a problem with liquor-- until, perhaps, now.

There was no alcoholism in my family. My father would drink an occasional beer on weekends, but I saw him tipsy only once, when I was seven or eight years old. My mother gave him hell.

No one else in the family drank. I remember a quart of blackberry brandy that set on a shelf low in a kitchen cabinet. It stayed there for at least 15 years and the level of brandy in the bottle never changed.

I take an occasional drink, but I've been drunk only once, when I was in my early twenties. That was quite enough. I will drink a beer or a snifter of liquor or a shot of whiskey when I remember to, which isn't all that often. In short, I don't have a problem with consumption of alcohol. My problem, it seems, is collecting alcohol.

For the past three or so years I've been buying a bottle or two of liquor whenever I get paid. Since I get paid twice a month, you might guess I've accumulated quite a collection. You would be right.

It started when I decided it would be nice to have a few bottles to serve guests-- perhaps a bottle each of rum, whiskey, vodka, and tequila and a few mixers. I bought a cocktail shaker and proceeded to buy one of each.

There was only one problem-- I didn't stop.

So now I have, let's see, 65 bottles of assorted liquor. I can't believe it. I have eleven brands of bourbon, thee Canadian, two Irish, and five scotch whiskys, five types of rum, six nut liqueurs, and fruit liqueurs in lemon, orange, currant, raspberry, blackberry, pear, peach, plum, apple, and cherry (three different cherries!). I have vodka, tequila, ouzo,cognac, schnapps, aquavit (nasty stuff, that), absinthe, and a healthy assortment of bitters and flavorings.

Many bottles have intact seals; most of those I have opened were only for a smell and a taste. I've yet to empty or even half-empty a bottle, even of my favorites (crème de cassis and crème de mûre and amaretto). Some bottles may never be opened.

In pursuit of my collection I've learned a lot about liquor. I know the various types and the ways they are made. I know the difference between whisky and whiskey, a single malt and a blend, a pot still and a column still, what a peated scotch tastes like, what makes a bourbon a bourbon, why Tennessee whiskeys can't be called bourbon, and which countries are famous for what (Slovakian plum brandy, anyone?). When I go to the liquor store these days I almost always know more than the resident expert.

As hobbies go it's an innocent one, if expensive. I must admit to feeling as if I'm sitting on top of a powder box, though. What if a horde of near-alcoholic distant relations or acquaintances or a congregaton of neighbors converge on the house and I feel obliged to offer them a drink? It would be one hell of a drunk. Ringwood would be talking about it for decades.